today i'm going in for a CAT scan. 22 minutes ago was the cutoff for me drinking and eating, which causes me great stress as i ALWAYS have water on me. i need a bottle of water everywhere i go. about 3 weeks ago i began to have excruciating pain in my left side, right below my ribs. i went to the doctor on the 14th and it was discerned that i have pleurisy, an inflammation of the lungs, and was prescribed an antibiotic whose spelling i can't recall, naproxen, and tramadol. the tramadol helped IMMENSELY. i ran out of both the antibiotics and the tramadol on christmas and the pain has barely subsided. i was throwing up at random times the last few days and then feeling fine. but the pain is still there, especially when i cough. i didn't even know if i should go to the doctor being as it isn't as bad as its peak, which was about 5 days after i started taking the pills. i would wake up and sometimes just be crying from how bad it was, until i popped the little red pills. but i went back yesterday, out of fear (he told me if i wasn't better in a week to come back, i came back after 2), and because frankly i was hoping for more tramadol (which i was given, and looking at the full sans 2 bottle sitting next to me is very satisfying). so he told me to come in for a CAT scan today, which i have never had before.
one thing that makes me uncomfortable is the fact that this illness is the first time in my life where i've felt i NEED pain pills. and i am so afraid of addiction to pain pills and tramadol may not be an opiate, it's an opioid, and does cause withdrawal symptoms. but i'm always worried about shit like that. i already have 2 addictions (cigarettes and marijuana) and i normally only take pills in moderation, so taking something everyday and NEEDING it like that is frightening. but i don't pretend in the least to know addiction like some friends of mine, and they are very strong people for overcoming those addictions. and here i am worrying about a moderately weak pain pill.
anyway, i can't wait for tomorrow, i get paid and can finally get new shoes. also, a girl i went to MIAD with, yasmine, is coming down to racine and paying me to take pictures for her. and i will have my delicious buds and can soon have a nice dinner at the olive garden (i've only eaten there once).
i don't remember the last 2 days very well. fuck anxiety, i have enough of it in my life, i don't need it anymore. don't ask.
i wish i was more inspired to say the things i used to. i wish i had the calling pulling beautiful mountain, the edge of the earth, cascading water down, images in my soul, in my brain, in my dreams. i need a change of atmosphere.
on edge, i want to write murder words, i need to get back into poetry outlets, but not that whiny baby shit about cutting yourself and hating your life and deep dark wells you bitches eat up. fuck your bad poetry. you suck.
hallmark is a pretty nice place to work but the christmas season is over and tonight is my last day of work for 9 days. january will be a very sad month.
tired of jesus shows.
there are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay
so you bargain with the devil, but you're ok for today...
Current Music: jewel ~ who will save your soul
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:D
bored
COOL GUY
lazy